Underneath the Mire
Self-worth, that something no one teaches in schools, at home, or in religious centers, but it’s one of the most important things anyone can possess.
Prior to 2021, I think I could say my self-worth was below 40%, asides from the fact that I didn’t understand a lot about myself, I didn’t rate myself, at all. This wasn’t due to comparison, I mean it would have been great if it was based on the comparison, but this was worse. It was like a virus, one that made me not acknowledge how special I was, and because of that, I absorbed everything everyone had to say about me and looked for solutions for them.
You’re so shy about your body — you need to stop covering up so much
You’re so sensitive — you need to toughen up
You’re so cold — you need to be a bit more touchy
You act like a tomboy — with all that beauty and body you should act more ladylike.
From mouth to mouth, words after words, people spat out the conditions they expected me to live my life by and I swallowed them like pills. Day after day, as I tried to change those things, I became less of myself and more of pieces of other people’s words.
All the “you shouldn’t “ and “how can you be like that” slowly sank their teeth into my skin and stayed there till my skin became numb to the words because I had absorbed them all, with the aim of “working” on myself.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s very important to work on yourself, to always thrive to be the best version of yourself, but you can’t do that without learning to sieve advice. You can’t do that by absorbing everything that’s said to you because you’ll crack into a million pieces in no time. Know this and know peace.
For years I tortured myself with words from people in form of “advice”, until I realized how unhealthy it was. Recently, while having one of my talks with myself, I found out that people criticize what they don’t understand. It’s normal. We as humans hate using things that aren’t exactly easy to use.
Hence when people meet someone different from the norm, someone they don’t understand, someone that doesn’t act like the people they’re used to, they shift into “manufacturer mode”.
So questions like :
What can I change about this person to fit my narrative?
How can I make this person for the box I already have in my mind for the person?
How can I make this person succumb to the way that’ll suit me?
These questions are scary, but they’re questions that I believe scan through people’s brains one way or another when they feel like someone isn’t acting how they want them to act. I say this because this is how I feel “right now” about how I’ve been boxed or tried to make smaller.
If you try to box people, stop it, It’s toxic. Nobody should be boxed. Yes, there are things that you should correct people about but that’s it. You can do that and go on your merry way because when you start adding all the unnecessary things that should have never been mentioned, you’ve become a tyrant to your own specie. A predator that chases after your own kind like a prey.
Everyone is special and everyone needs to grow and make room for growth, however, there’s a thin line between helping someone grow, and terrorizing their uniqueness. It’s up to you to fill in the gap when push comes to shove.
That being said, always remember that you’re special and beautiful.
You’re a light to the world so keep shining.
Till next time, keep your head up ✨.
Love,
E.
