Sowing the seed of friendship
For a very long time, I used to cherish the length of friendship over the content of the friendship. So I had no problem nibbling on the crumbs of attention that my old friends had to offer.
A “hi” one day, followed by long weeks of silence, me upset and swearing that I’ll never reach out to them, then boom, me again licking my wounds and reaching out.
This became a pattern of my life, and I felt so entitled to their attention that it ruined my mood and sometimes my day when I didn’t get the response I expected.
Realization Stage
Being an introvert that isn’t exactly great at making friends, it felt logical to keep hanging on to old friends — even though they had already created a new life for themselves years after high school.
I rinsed and repeated the cycle of toxicity I had developed until my mind slowly gave up on me. My emotions had dipped — I survived in taking major breaks to get my emotions together before I came back. My long epistles weren’t really working anymore. Just a text from them could make my day and that was barely sustainable. Something had to be done.
Action Stage
I looked around myself and realized that I actually had new friends that had been there for me through all the mess I had been making of my emotions. It’s true that they didn’t know what was going on, but they had slowly become family without my knowing.
So while I was chasing old friends that had long gone off, I was neglecting the new friends I had acquired. Slowly but surely I began to evolve, I began to adjust myself to fit in my new life, but I still had a hard time letting go. I had gone maybe 65% , but one specific friendship still hung on to my sleeves.
The jerk back to life
Last year, the friendship that hung on to my sleeves fell apart right before my eyes. As a sensitive person, I experienced something I’d had fought so hard to avoid.
I was invited for the birthday/engagement of the “friend”, we hadn’t seen each other in years, even after planning and planning, so this time was meant to be special. Everyone around me hyped it, and made me feel special like I was the celebrant sef. Before that day, I changed my mind about attending it because my mind wasn’t in it anymore. I knew that it would rile up emotions in me — and if they weren’t handled properly, might create an emotional crisis for me. Her husband now, boyfriend then convinced me to come.
Nothing prepared me for the lukewarm embrace I got as opposed to the people she had built a new life with — in that moment I felt almost invisible, I shrunk within myself, it was like an extra jerk back to life. Throughout the remaining part of the day, I felt out of place — and although it was all to make my old friend happy, the friend I love so much; I knew that as far as I was concerned; whatever iota of leverage I thought I had in the friendship was gone.
It was a beautiful day for her, and I loved it, but a cringy day for me — and also a strong reminder to me to focus on the relatively new friends that had become family.
In summary
Deep down, I still have a deep longing for that friendship I had, which may or may never occur again — but I have learned that nothing lasts forever; a truth that can never be untainted.
I have come to embrace my new friends, who are now my old friends or my forever friends (hopefully), who have now become an active part of my life. Something I was searching for in a long-lost ship.
Letting go is never easy, for me especially because I am an HSP coupled with how much I cherished that friendship– it might have pushed me to depression if I didn’t let go.
These days, I strive to place value over history, because the heart would always want what it wants, and sometimes, what it wants would be very dangerous for you.
Friendships are beautiful, if you can relate to this write-up, I hope you find amazing new friends or focus on the friendships that are actually focusing on you.
Till next time,
Keep your head up.
Love, E.
💕
