Today, I watched a video on Instagram that related to me so much that I felt a bit uncomfortable — I contemplated putting it on my story because it felt like it was a bit too much, too revealing of myself — don’t get me wrong, I love the world to know me for me, but I believe somethings are a bit too much, and this one was one of it.
Today, I finished listening to an HBR (Harvard Business Review) article, and it made me realize how much I miss listening to a certain app that reads out articles from business magazines like The Economist, HBR, Bloomberg, WIRED, Entrepreneur, etc etc.
These two scenarios made me realize how much I missed being myself — they made me a little annoyed about the extra efforts I’ve been putting into carving my personal brand that I had almost forgotten the parts of me that I enjoyed without so much effort. The nerdy moments I allowed myself to finish a business book in a week and digest it, the little poems and notes I write based on how I have been feeling lately, the gentle assurances that made me relax and know that in the end whether things worked out the way I planned them or not, I will be fine.
It annoys me a little that I will always have that conscious mind that would keep looking out for me even when I want to fall into myself– and just allow things to go. But how do I incorporate it into my personal brand so that others can experience it? Or should I hide it, and only allow myself to experience it in the privacy of just my company?
How do I stop my newly polished self from completely glossing over the remaining fragment of me that still allows me to feel like me? The one that prompted me to cry when my teachers told me to stand up in class, the one that urged me to keep accurate journals of my life all those years, the one that wanted to pack all her load and move to New Zealand far away from everyone and everything I had known.
I miss that Ekab that was sweeter than this, the one that didn’t need to tell people “In case you get tired of me, just let me know, no offense”, the one that didn’t have to absorb people’s energies and act accordingly, the óne that would wait up till her dad was back to tell him all about her day, the one that spent her afternoons in the library and her evenings in the art studio of her school, the one that lived to make memories with her best friend.
Nothing is harder than trying to bring back the person you once were before certain experiences marred your approach to life, but I believe that intentionality is one of the most important things in life — that champions change.
My experiences, hard as they’ve been shouldn’t trample on who I was becoming before they happened. I am still Ekab, soft as can be, sensitive as it gets, as old a soul as can be imagined, still in love with the idea of living an idyllic life, and living as simply as I can.
It’s quite annoying that I have to battle with the idea of merging two personalities from two different points in life, but now that I have become more aware of it and I’m more conscious of it I will be more intentional to push for it.
The irony is that I am grateful for the present person I am in some way, because how would I have been able to navigate the world with such naivety and sensitivity to find myself so close to my dreams I can feel success on the tip of my tongue?
That I allow my present mind to allow me to build castles of imagination that are now turning into well-thought-out paths — when in hindsight I just used all that I had to push myself to this point pain, love, and grit.
To think that when my crush that year said he wanted his woman to be ambitious, I canceled myself from his books because I thought I would never meet up, but look at you Ekab, you’re now a team lead in the sustainability Industry, a dream you blabbed about to everyone you could just a few years ago.
Look at you making partnerships happen, and also preparing to make more things happen. Look at you finding yourself and accepting every stage of your creativity as it comes because you know that this is how you will grow, look at you creating creative journals here and there — in a bid to inspire people, just look at you Ekab.
Look at you glowing after thinking that last year would end you, that last year was from the pit of hell, and that you weren’t meant to make it out afloat.
The darkness lasts long enough for you to find the light — and you’ve always found it, just like you keep finding yourself.
Don’t ever lose yourself Ekab(Insert your name),
The world still awaits you.