Mmmm where do I start from… how about why I was prompted to really write the morning. Okay, let’s say, I got a newsletter I get every other Monday, and it’s from a babe that literally let’s herself be vulnerable, and in turn let’s me be vulnerable to myself. Confusing right? Yeahhh that’s how I am to a lot of people, myself included sometimes. Yikes, sorry, not sorry.
Okay so let me start with religion; first do I believe in God yes, am I a Christian; mmm yeah I’ll like to think so. Now the issue is this; I was born into a Christian home, so technically that’s all I’ve know, from church programs to family devotions, I’ve barely had any chance to think otherwise. The times I had questions when I was younger, I straightened myself out and continued on the path, I had been groomed in.
Now, today, this very moment I’m in a place where I neither confused nor convinced. I’m finally allowing myself drill through the thick layers of wool, religion placed in my mind.
I grew up in a very conservative home, and when I say conservative, I mean it to the core. Every single thing was monitored. From what we wore to what we watched. A lot of my childhood was cut out, because our “place of worship”, didn’t condone some things that we would have otherwise been allowed to enjoy.
Now thinking about it today, now, and how I struggle sometimes in my Christian life, I see how it all matches up. The thin line between Christianity and extremism that was crossed when I was been raised is somehow affecting the way I operate today.
Not to say that I turned out poorly, but psychologically, my mind is still trying to get a grip on how to function as a Christian in the way my adult self now understands things. Seeing people have that sweet relationship with God, has made me to take a step back and examine myself and my past.
Technically, I’m a child of God, and yes although a child need to be cautioned, he doesn’t need to be judged or condemned forever.
From what I know, the basis of Christianity is love, but what then happens if all I’ve know about Christianity is “punishment”, and a “doom”. How then am I expected to spilt the things I’ve been indoctrinated with, and the things I’ve now learnt about God ?
Scratching the roots of my core Christian beliefs, I see how very far away I’ve gotten. The judgement tables I’ve stepped down from, the barriers I’m still trying to break because those were the pillars I found supporting my life.
Now I go back to the basis, at least I know that at the core center of Christianity is “love”, so I start from there. I let myself get stripped of the beliefs I’ve been injected with. I let myself be who God is leading me to be. I block out all the noise. I let God breathe in me, then I let myself breathe.
I want you to picture yourself struggling everyday to do the things you’re want to do despite all the noise around you, without cracking. Done? That’s ADHD in a nutshell, with a sprinkle of forgetfulness and hypersensitivity. Done.
However, some people believe that to have ADHD, you have to look or behave a certain kind of way. Someone blatantly disregarded my claim saying “ you’re well kept, you can’t have it, do you know what it means”. I won’t lie that hurt, not because he disregarded my feelings, but because I had stalled knowing my diagnosis concerning ADHD, for a long time, because I didn’t want to believe I had it. Then finally I embraced it and someone else is disregarding it? Whew.
Well he wasn’t the only one, and it’s truly something I’ve one to terms with. I’ve also I’m I understand that allowing myself not allow people define who I am is something I have control over, and I’m learning to utilize. I live with me, and I face what I face, and nobody can contend with that.
Realizing I’m a HSP took quite a while for me. Of course, I knew I was different when I’ll try just because I was told to stand up in class, or I was about to get punished for something I deserved to be punished for. I don’t think it really clicked until my dad pointed it out to me; “you have to stop being so sensitive”, then my ex thought I was being manipulative when I cried because I was hurt; then my childhood friend said I had to be “hardened”, and not let my emotions guide me.
Hardened? Me? I flinched, it got to me. Apparently, I cut things off to fast, or made very emotional decisions or just moved on too quickly. Coping mechanism much? Whew. I really thought I was abnormal. I always felt weird, right up to last year.
How do people just feel things and move on? Am I the only one that has the waterworks switch on in my life? Do I really need to be hardened? How can I even not be in touch with my emotions?
Thankfully, this year, I came across HSP, and I got my answer. No I was never over reacting like everyone said. Of course, there are times when I’ll need to caution my emotions, but that doesn’t make me irrational or foolish.
Most of all, HSP is teaching me to embrace the things and people that make that effort to see beneath the outer, to understand who Ekab really is, and to embrace whatever she has to offer.
HSP has helped me value me, as opposed to trying to be like everyone else.
Several words: don’t let anyone define who you are; given this is pretty cliche, but how the world works is pretty simple ; everyone wanted to have opinion about everything, and it’s easy to get drown in the well of all that; I don’t have the answers or the key, but one thing I know is; you live with you forever; think about that for a while. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.
A word? Know thyself.
Till next time,
Love always 💕